FESTE:
MY FRIEND, I KNOW YOU BEST
BUT I LIKE YOU ANYWAY
AND A REAL PAL TELLS THE TRUTH
WARTS AND ALL THE WAY
INSTEAD OF A PHONY TOAST
YOU DESERVE AN HONEST ROAST
SO LET’S ALL RAISE A GLASS
TO MY FAVORITE PAIN IN THE ASS
To Sir Toby!

SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
To Sir Toby!

FESTE:
YOU’RE THE WORST
YOU’RE A SLOUCH
A POTATO GONE BAD ON THE COUCH
YOU’RE A LEECH
AND A GLUT
AND YOUR EGO’S AS BIG AS YOUR GUT
YOUR BURPS ARE SO FAMOUS THEY’RE PART OF YOUR NAME
YOU SMELL LIKE PERFUME MADE OF WHISKEY AND SHAME
SO LET ME TELL YOU FIRST
THAT YOU ARE THE WORST

SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
YOU ARE THE WORST!

FESTE:
WHO IS THE WORST?

SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
TOBY’S THE WORST!

SIR ANDREW:
A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

FESTE:
To Sir Andrew!

SIR TOBY & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
To Sir Andrew!
FESTE
YOU’RE THE WORST

SIR TOBY & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
YOU’RE THE WORST!

FESTE:
YOU’RE A DRAG
CAN’T FLIRT YOUR WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG
YOU’RE A WIMP
AND NAIVE
IT SAYS GULLIBLE THERE ON YOUR SLEEVE

SIR ANDREW:
(checking his sleeve)
Where?!

FESTE:
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
BUT TRUST ME, YOU CAN’T
YOU’VE THE WIT OF A TOAD AND THE BRAIN OF AN ANT
SO LET ME TELL YOU FIRST
THAT YOU ARE THE WORST!

SIR TOBY & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
YOU ARE THE WORST

FESTE:
WHO IS THE WORST?

SIR TOBY & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
ANDREW’S THE WORST!

(Enter MARIA)

MARIA:
What a caterwauling do you keep here!
For the love o' God, peace!

SIR TOBY:
To Maria!

FESTE , SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
To Maria!

SIR TOBY:
YOU’RE THE WORST!

FESTE, SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
YOU’RE THE WORST!

SIR TOBY:
YOU’RE THE….
Actually, Maria’s kind of the best, I got nothing.
Anyone?

FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
(Murmuring in agreement)
No, yeah, she’s pretty great. / Can’t think of anything readily. / Hmm, you’re right.

SIR TOBY:
To Feste!

SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES:
To Feste!!

SIR TOBY:
YOU’RE THE WORST!

FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES:
YOU’RE THE WORST!

SIR ANDREW:
YOU’RE A FOOL!!

FESTE:
Clever.

SIR TOBY:
AND YOU THINK YOU’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL
YOU’RE A SMART-ASS

SIR ANDREW:
A SMART-ASS!

SIR TOBY:
AND A BUM

SIR ANDREW:
BUM-BUM!
SIR TOBY
AND YOUR JOKES ARE ALL PRETTY DUMB

SIR ANDREW:
NOW WHO’S DUMB?

SIR TOBY:
YOU TRY TOO SINCERELY TO PLEASE EVERY CROWD
AND YOU PLAY THE ACCORDION FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

FESTE:
It’s a beautiful instrument!

SIR TOBY:
SO LET ME TELL YOU FIRST
THAT YOU ARE THE WORST!

SIR ANDREW, MARIA & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
YOU ARE THE WORST!

SIR TOBY:
WHO IS THE WORST?

SIR ANDREW, MARIA & FABIAN & BUDDIES:
FESTE’S THE WORST!

SIR TOBY:
No, I’m the worst!

SIR ANDREW:
No, I’m the worst!!

MARIA:
Ladies, ladies, you’re both pretty much the worst.

FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES:
GOOD FRIENDS HAVE X-RAY VISION
THEY SEE THROUGH THE MASK THAT YOU WEAR
GOOD FRIENDS LAUGH IN DERISION
TO SHOW YOU THAT THEY CARE!
Enter MALVOLIO, cutting off the music like a record scratch

MALVOLIO:
My masters, are you mad? Do you make an alehouse of my lady's house? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?

SIR TOBY:
To Malvolio!

FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES:
To Malvolio!

MALVOLIO:
(Flattered)
To me?

SIR TOBY:
YOU’RE THE WORST

MALVOLIO:
The worst?!

SIR TOBY:
YOU’RE A FROWN

MALVOLIO:
Have you no manners?

SIR TOBY:
AND YOU POOP EVERY PARTY IN TOWN

MALVOLIO:
This is much credit to you!

SIR TOBY:
YOU’RE A SNOB

MALVOLIO:
Sir Toby, I must be-

SIR TOBY:
AND A SNITCH

MALVOLIO:
I must be round with you-

SIR TOBY:
A HIGH-HORSE RIDIN’ SON OF A…

MARIA:
GUN!

SIR TOBY:
YOU THINK JUST CAUSE YOU NEVER HAVE ANY FUN

SIR ANDREW:
THAT EVERYONE ELSE SHALL ALSO HAVE NONE!SIR TOBY
I’M SURE I’M NOT THE FIRST TO SAY
YOU’RE THE WORST

FESTE, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES:
YOU ARE THE WORST!

MALVOLIO:
I’m not the worst!

FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES:
MALVOLIO’S THE WORST

FESTE:
He’s actually the worst though.

FESTE, SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, FABIAN & MARIA & BUDDIES:
YOU ARE THE WORST!
LET’S HEAR IT FOR YOUR TRUE FRIENDS
WHO TELL YA STRAIGHT TO YOUR FACE
THAT YOU’RE A DISGRACE!
HEAR HEAR!