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The Wrestling Match

from As You Like It by Shaina Taub

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lyrics

[A crowd of ROYAL SUBJECTS enter, arriving at the arena for the games. They gather around a wrestling ring.]

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Duke’s royal wrestling championship! Are you ready?

ROYAL SUBJECTS:
Yeah!

ANNOUNCER:
I said, are you ready???

ROYAL SUBJECTS:
YEAH!

ANNOUNCER:
C’mon people, I can’t hear you, I said ARE? YOU? READYYYYYY????

ROYAL SUBJECTS:
YEAHHHHHH!!!!

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the Royal Duke Frederick!

[DUKE FREDERICK enters with his entourage of ROYAL MINIONS.

As he enters, all subjects bow in fear.]

ROYAL SUBJECTS & ROYAL MINIONS:
AH, ALL HAIL DUKE FREDERICK
AH, ALL HAIL DUKE FREDERICK

DUKE FREDERICK:
Let the games begin!

ANNOUNCER:
Round one! Introducing the undefeated, reigning champion: Bronco Internacional!

[BRONCO, a masked lucha libre wrestler, enters and takes the ring.]

ROYAL SUBJECTS:
BRONCO, BRONCO, HE’S THE MAN!
NO ONE CAN DO IT LIKE BRONCO CAN!
BRONCO, BRONCO, HE’S THE MAN!
NO ONE CAN DO IT LIKE BRONCO CAN!

ANNOUNCER:
And his opponent: the fiery, the fearless Frankie Flow

[FRANKIE FLOW, another masked lucha libre wrestler, enters and takes the ring.]

ROYAL SUBJECTS:
FRANKIE FLOW’S THE MAN
FRANKIE FLOW’S THE MAN
IF ANYONE CAN BEAT HIM, FRANKIE CAN!
FRANKIE FLOW’S THE MAN
FRANKIE FLOW’S THE MAN
IF ANYONE CAN BEAT HIM, FRANKIE CAN!

ANNOUNCER:
Wrestlers, you shall try but one fall.

ANNOUNCER & ROYAL SUBJECTS:
THREE! TWO! ONE! FIGHT!

[BRONCO and FRANKIE FLOW wrestle!]

ROYAL SUBJECTS:
LET’S GO, BRONCO!
LET’S GO FRANKIE!
GO AND GET ‘EM, WHOA!

LET’S GO, BRONCO!
LET’S GO FRANKIE!
GO AND GET ‘EM, WHOA!

LET’S GO, BRONCO!
LET’S GO FRANKIE!
GO AND GET ‘EM, WHOA!
OOH! AH! OUCH! WOW!

[BRONCO pins FRANKIE FLOW down.]

REFEREE:
ONE, TWO, THREE!

ANNOUNCER:
AND THE WINNER IS BRONCO!

ALL:
WOO!

[FRANKIE FLOW exits the ring.]

ANNOUNCER:
Round two! Bronco faces his second opponent: the primal, the vicious CAVEMAN!

[CAVEMAN, another cameo masked lucha libre wrestler, enters and takes the ring.]

ROYAL SUBJECTS:
CAVEMAN CAVEMAN, HE’S THE MAN!
IF ANYONE CAN BEAT HIM, CAVEMAN CAN!
CAVEMAN CAVEMAN, HE’S THE MAN!
IF ANYONE CAN BEAT HIM, CAVEMAN CAN!

ANNOUNCER:
Wrestlers, you shall try but one fall.

ANNOUNCER & ROYAL SUBJECTS
THREE, TWO, ONE! FIGHT!

[BRONCO and CAVEMAN wrestle!]

ROYAL SUBJECTS:
LET’S GO, BRONCO!
LET’S GO CAVEMAN!
GO AND GET ‘EM, WHOA!

LET’S GO, BRONCO!
LET’S GO CAVEMAN!
GO AND GET ‘EM, WHOA!

LET’S GO, BRONCO!
LET’S GO CAVEMAN!
GO AND GET ‘EM, WHOA!
OOH! AH! OUCH! WOW!

[BRONCO pins CAVEMAN down.]

REFEREE
One, two, three!

ANNOUNCER
And the winner is Bronco again!

ALL
WOO!

[CAVEMAN exits the ring.]

ANNOUNCER
Round three — the last round for the championship! Bronco faces his third and final opponent…
[reading from a slip of paper]
… Orlando?

[ORLANDO enters the ring in a mask as the crowd murmurs.]

A ROYAL SUBJECT:
WHO IS THIS KID?

A ROYAL SUBJECT:
HE’S FAR TOO YOUNG!

TWO ROYAL SUBJECTS:
BRONCO WILL EAT HIM ALIVE!

A ROYAL SUBJECT:
WHAT A PUNK!

A ROYAL SUBJECT:
HE’S GOT NO SHOT!

A ROYAL SUBJECT:
HE’LL NEVER SURVIVE!

DUKE FREDERICK:
[To CELIA and ROSALIND]
Speak to him ladies, see if you can move him.

CELIA:
Young gentlemen, we pray you for your own sake to embrace your safety and give over this attempt!

ROSALIND:
Do, young sir!

ORLANDO:
[Not looking at ROSALIND and CELIA]
Let your gentle wishes go with me to my trial, wherein if I be foiled, there is but one shamed that was never gracious. I shall do the world no injury, for in it I have nothing.

ROSALIND:
The little strength that I have, I would it were with you.

BRONCO:
[mocking him in Spanish]
Aver donde esta este galan jovencito? [Come, where is this young gallant?]

ORLANDO:
Ready, sir!

DUKE FREDERICK:
You shall try but one fall!

ALL:
THREE! TWO! ONE! FIGHT!

[BRONCO and ORLANDO wrestle!]

UH OH, UH OH!
UH OH, UH OH!
DO YOU THINK HE CAN?

UH OH, UH OH!
UH OH, UH OH!
CAN HE? YES HE CAN!

WHAT AN UPSET!
WHO’DA THUNK IT?

ROSALIND:
OH EXCELLENT YOUNG MAN!

ALL:
WHAT? NO! DAMN! WHOA!

[ORLANDO pins BRONCO down.]

REFEREE:
One, two, three!

ANNOUNCER:
And the winner’s Orlando!

ALL:
ORLANDO, LANDO, HE’S THE MAN
NO ONE CAN DO IT LIKE ‘LANDO CAN
ORLANDO, LANDO, HE’S THE MAN!
NO ONE CAN DO IT LIKE ‘LANDO CAN
ORLANDO, ORLANDO, ORLANDO!

credits

from As You Like It, released December 15, 2017

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Shaina Taub Brooklyn, New York

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