Count Malvolio Part I

from by Shaina Taub

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lyrics

MALVOLIO:
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO LUCK IN THIS WILD, WICKED WORLD
BUT LUCK DOESN’T HAVE INFALLIBILITY
FOR LUCK HAD THE NERVE TO MAKE ME ONE WHO SERVES
WHEN IT’S PLAIN TO SEE I OUGHT TO BE NOBILITY

EVEN THE COUNTESS TREATS ME WITH SUPERIOR RESPECT
I’M CLEARLY HER FAVORITE IN THE HOUSE
SHE HINTED ONCE THAT SHOULD SHE EVER MARRY,
SHE HOPES SOMEONE LIKE ME WOULD BE HER SPOUSE
SO, WHAT’S THE LIKELY THEORY TO ESPOUSE?

I COULD BE COUNT MALVOLIO!
LORD OF THE ESTATE
DRESSED IN ALL THE FINEST SILK AND MASTER OF MY FATE
I’D SUMMON ALL MY MINIONS IN A MOST MAJESTIC TONE
THEN ONCE THEY ALL ARRIVED
I’D TELL THEM, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

IMAGINE COUNT MALVOLIO
MARRIED UP AND UP
WATCHING ALL MY FORTUNES AS THEY GREW
THEY’LL ALL WISH THEY’D BEEN NICE
ONCE I RE-LOAD THE DICE
WHEN I FINALLY GET MY DUE

I’D SEND SEVEN SERVANTS OFF TO FETCH MY UNCLE TOBY
THEN I’D WAIT THERE WITH A MOST IMPATIENT FROWN
I’D FIDDLE WITH MY DIAMOND-STUDDED WRISTWATCH
AS I LOUNGE UPON A BED OF FLUFFY DOWN

THEN TOBY WOULD APPROACH ME WITH A CURTSY
I’D EXTEND MY REGAL HAND FOR HIM TO KISS
BUT INSTEAD OF MY CUSTOMARY COURTESY
I’D INDUBITABLY LECTURE HIM LIKE THIS:
“NOW THAT I’M MARRIED TO THE COUNTESS,
AT LAST IT IS MY RIGHT TO SPEAK THE TRUTH.
YOU MUST AMEND YOUR DRINKING AND CAROUSING,
AND THAT ANDREW FRIEND OF YOURS MUST GO.
HE’S SIMPLY UNCOUTH!”

AND HE’LL SAY
“COUNT MALVOLIO,
PLEASE FORGIVE MY FLAWS.
I’M JUST A LOUSY LIAR WHO THINKS HE’S ABOVE THE LAWS.
IF ONLY YOU COULD TEACH ME HOW TO BE SO REFINED!”
BUT I’D SAY:
“SORRY TOBY,
THERE’S NO HOPE FOR YOUR VULGAR MIND!”

JUST PICTURE COUNT MALVOLIO
HONORED AND ADORED
MY DESTINY WOULD ALL BE COMING TRUE
THEY’LL ALL WISH THEY’D BEEN SWEET
WELL THEY CAN KISS MY FEET
WHEN I FINALLY GET MY DUE!

credits

from Twelfth Night, released December 2, 2016
Music & Lyrics by Shaina Taub
Vocals by Andrew Kober

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Shaina Taub Brooklyn, New York

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